Silent Killers

Even if you've never been to a live stand up comedy show before, if you were asked what the biggest problems might be that would make the show less enjoyable, you would give the obvious answers.

Most people would answer, "unfunny comics." Bad jokes with poor delivery is going to make for a long night. Other quick answers would be a noisy crowd, hecklers, bad sound system, or just simply a bad environment for a comedy show. All of which are true, but sometimes you watch a stand up show and you can't pinpoint what it is that just made the night less enjoyable than times before. You thought the comics did a good job, the sound system was fine, but for some reason... something was amiss. And chances are that the show was attacked by a "Silent Killer".

The following are the biggest I notice on a show by show basis. (Note: these are more for open mic, show case, or small comedy club shows - if you pay to see a headline comic it's going to be harder to take away from the performance.)

1. A bad host/emcee: While I don't think a host can make or break a show, I do firmly believe they can make a good show great and a good show bad. This is the first person you see on stage the night of a show, and they are going to be the last person you see. They are are basically the person given the job of Goodwill Ambassador of your show. An emcee needs some kind of energy, some kind of presence.. a way to draw people in and set the tone of the night. I have never understood the mentality of, "here is our emcee for the night: Low Key McGee!" And ol' Low Key proceeds to have the slowest, most mundane intro you could ask for. It's not their fault usually, they are a slower, low energy comic. Which is fine...except when you are opening a show. If the person on stage isn't acting like they are excited to see the comics... why the hell should a crowd be?

If you go to a baseball game and the announcer who is reading the starting line up for the home team is doing it in a way that would make Droopy Dog say, "Jesus!... this guy needs some pep in his step" - then you are off to a really bad start.

Also, for all emcee's out there... learn the names of the people coming on stage. If someone's name is from Polish decent and has more successive consonants than the alphabet itself, you should screw their name up. Serves them right for not having a stage name. But if you foul up bringing "Ben Smith" to the stage because you would rather say, "Ben... oh, something or other" - you have tarnished them from the get go. Again, why should a crowd of people care about some dude about to whip out five minutes 0f genital jokes when the person introducing them didn't care enough to say their whole name. Dick

jokes... simply deserve better than that.

2. Lights are too bright on the crowd - This can work to a comic's advantage on some occasions, and being able to see more than just the front two rows can be great for crowd play. But when the lights on the crowd are as bright, if not brighter than they are on the comic, the focus is taken off "the performer." It gives the show a more "some guy here at the

family picnic is going to tell some jokes." See the face ol Gizmo is making? That's pretty much the same look I make when I see the light on the crowd is just as bright. It's also the same face I made when the popular kids pulled my gym shorts down in front of the girls in 7th grade. Didn't pull them up, didn't waddle away, I just made that exact face and stood their uncomfortably for a very long time. Which is pretty much the same thing I do when the stage lights are less bright than the crowd lights.

3. No stage - There is something about standing in the corner of a bar without a single step up that is a bit of a confidence blow to a performer. That one tiny step up somehow signifies that we are the person in the room who is in charge.

We have the gold medal platform and the audience is standing on the silver platform. This sounds narcissistic, ego-maniacal, and a condition that might need a therapist to delve into, and it is to a degree, but if we as performers aren't put into a position where immediately through body language and being put on a pedestal (in this case, a stage) - it takes away some of the essence of "this is the person we are here to see." It's why a movie is more fun to watch in a theater on the big screen than it is to sit on the couch and watch a movie at home, it's elevated, bigger, and most importantly in complete control of your attention. And comics by nature are a fascinating breed of being completely anti-social yet attention whores at the same time. It's a personality defect so unexplained that even Dr. Drew won't start a show about it.

4. TV's left on - Even with the sound turned off, leaving the TV's on at any show is a huge distraction. It only takes one guy excited to see the Bulls blow out the Pacers with an occasional "Gooo Yogi Yahoooie's!" (that's what I say when celebrate a sporting win... I dunno what the rest of you say) - to pretty much see that the place holding this show doesn't really care about it that much if they are leaving TV's on for a few people in the back.

Sometimes these things can be worked around, but many times they drag down an otherwise good show with good comics. These Silent Killers deserve to be pointed out, ridiculed, and put to an end. We need your full attention, not for our sake, and not even for the shows sake... but for the sake of all the dick jokes we will tell. Like I said before... they really deserve better than to be killed silently.

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*Disclaimer* This is not advice, a how-to manual, or in any way presented as fact. No one at my level (or to me.. at any level) should give "advice" about how to do stand up. This is simply opinions and things I have noticed along the way of performing stand up comedy.

January Schedule

Dated to be changed/added as we go:

Jan 11 - Champaign, IL

Memphis on Main - 9pm

Jan 12 - Peoria, IL

Jukebox Comedy Club - 8pm

Jan 14 - Urbana, IL

The Canopy Club

(Opening for Todd Barry) - 7pm

Jan 18 - Champaign, IL

Memphis on Main - 9pm

Jan 19 - Champaign, IL

The Clark Bar - 8pm

Jan 25 - Grand Rapids, MI

Dr. Grin's Comedy Club

Funniest Person in Grand Rapids Competition

Jan 26 - Chicago, IL

Sully's

Jan 31 - Oswego, IL

Comedy Under the Tap

First Time Chest Puff

"I don't want to be someone who enjoys other people's failures, I want to be someone who enjoys my accomplishments."

I have ran an open mic for two years. In doing so, I have dealt first hand in more first time performers than I can count. I have however not had very many "one and done" people. There are four different type of first time performers that I am aware of.

1. Once in a blue moon (is there ever really a blue moon? Isn't that like saying never?), okay, so, once in an eclipse of the moon (much better) there will be someone who really does want to stick with stand up for the long haul and wants every open spot they can get after time number one is down.

2. On occasion, I get a first time performer who get an itch for stand up and while they won't travel very far out of their fifty mile radius more than once every three months to pursue stand up, they do care about their act, work at it, do new material, and become open mic and show case show regulars

3. A fairly common one is someone who "saw it on TV and just wants to give it a shot." They admit they have jobs, school, possible career, kids, half a brain to know better than to try and be a full time comedian, ect and simply want to see what it's like hoping on stage one time, or maybe once every two-three months to have some fun.

4. The one that is most seen is the guy (and sometimes girl, but usually it's a guy in his early 20's) who is just giving it a try, will bring a solid portion of his friends, get a ton of laughs mostly out of those same friends... and not much of the rest of the crowd generally because he tells inside jokes, then not only wants to sign up every week, but will stick his chest out and boast how funny he is - and claim this is now his new passion.

And these... are my favorites. His friends will surround him outside for a post show cigarette and loudly declare he was better than everyone else on stage. Although biology and human anatomy class taught other wise, you can actually see his head swelling larger and larger. He will slowly start

boasting how he came up with each joke, and - this is completely inevitable - he will at some point say, "yeah... I killed it." The next day he will post a cell phone camera video of 1/4 of his set online repeating that sentiment and talk about how he is "hooked" on stand up.

Once that is out there, you can bet you will see them a max of four to six times. If Vegas would lay odds on this sort of thing instead of football... well... Vegas would have been bulldozed for lack of interest and profits years ago... but... I would be a rich man. Because I would bet five or under.

You see, the reason they will be deflated like a balloon a day after the party is over, is because their friends aren't always going to show up. They will the first few times, just enough to convince their self they really are that good - then... they bomb. And bomb bad. Everyone bombs, usually a lot, especially at first, but these guys were convinced they were the funniest guy who's ever lived. MMA has nothing on reality, because reality is much more fun to watch when kicking a guys ass than an overly tattoo'd guy in shorts will ever be.

Best example of this:

Had a younger guy sign up over the phone and show up with about 15-20 friends the night of the show. Great, love new people in. From the second he walked into the door you would have thought he was a VP at Comedy Central. Just cocky, couldn't tell him anything, didn't want to be drug away from his friends pounding shots at the bar to even know when he was going on stage. He goes up, of course his friends howled at every joke (all of which were so dirty a long shore sailor with a molestation record would have left out of good taste) then proceeded to not only ask to sign up the following week, but said, "...oh, and how do I get more time." For people who don't know... this is a huge no-no when anyone barely knows your name. We gave him five minutes that night, he ended up doing nine. Now, I should have just not let him sign up, simply because he is a douche. But, we were struggling at that time to get people into the open mic, he was bringing people... and I wanted to see him bomb. Jesus save me - but I wanted to see this guy's spirit crushed.

He did the same the next three times in. He chilled out slightly on the over the top tool-like behavior, and went last every time since his friends would just leave if not, but always got laughs. Not just with his crowd either anymore, honest laughs from a good portion of the crowd. I wanted to believe it was just his friends, but it wasn't anymore. For someone like me who as always disliked guys like this, and was struggling at the time from set to set to get anything out of a crowd, it was hard watching him do so well. At that point, I just accepted that some guys are likable even if I hate them - and I gave up on him bombing. What? You thought this was going to have a happy ending?

Well, it does... because with all hope lost... enter the Asian masseuse. It came in the form of him asking to be on our Showcase show we did once a month, which was an earlier evening on a different night that at the time was generally known as a rough crowd when you did dirty stuff. Then, (I'm still giggly as a write this a year and a half later) he said, "yeah, I can do all the time you want - I can't bring any friends though, they are all leaving to go on break." And, as a smile crept on my face like I was the Grinch about to steal Christmas, in a voice that had to sound like a cartoon villian (I might as well have been twirling the tip of a mustache) simply said, "ohhhhhhhh... ten minutes ought to do it."

It took four. After four minutes of his first non-reaction set, he closed quickly, got off stage, and slunk into a corner. After the show the only thing he said was, "well... I guess everyone has to bomb some time right?" And those were the last words I ever heard him say, on stage or off.

He isn't the first, he isn't the last. So, again, I don't want to be someone who enjoys in other peoples failures. I want to enjoy my accomplishments. So that's what I'm doing with this, I'm enjoying the accomplishment of never being that way, enjoying trying to be humble when a set goes really well, enjoying knowing that bombing isn't the end of the worl... you know what, screw it - HA HA, serves you right you cocky prick!

Enjoying peoples failures is just easier...

Welcome to Stand Up

Let's talk about your first time on stage!

Ah yes, you watch a comic on TV or youtube and say, "pshh, they aren't funny..." then your buddy pipes up by saying, "yeah... YOU are funnier than they are!" - which leads you to believing that your friend who is five Coors Lights deep and cackles like a banshee hyena hybrid every time a new Dorito commercial plays during the break is indeed a czar of comedy, and you are in fact more funny than the person on TV. After weeks of talking yourself up and writing down jokes that were knee slappers and side splitters at dollar beer night down at the pub you find out about a local open mic and walk in asking to sign up. THEN, you go on stage. Well, actually THEN you find out some open mics have a cap and you have to sign up in advance, so you sign up for next week... THEN, you go on stage.

Of course, there are people who have always loved stand up, might not find themselves to be the "funniest" person, but want to give it a try to break out of social awkwardness and put their self into a situation that allows a creative outlet for subjects and thoughts they might not otherwise feel comfortable telling someone in a one on one situation. I guess there are a few of those people too.

Going on stage for the first time is nerve racking. It still can be no matter how long you do it. 5 people? 50 people? Doesn't matter - you are about to step on stage and be judged. And here is exactly how your first time will go: You will get on stage trying to show confidence while your mentally going back and forth between thinking about the wording of your jokes and tripping and falling for the first time since you were eleven. When you get on stage you will say, "so... how is everyone doing tonight?" as pretty much every first timer has in the history of stand up. Right away, the entire crowd knows you are nervous. You will try and say something funny and relevant to your situation which will be met with a timid laugh from your friends. Your first joke will be met with silence. At this point the stage lights will start to heat up. You will dig into your pocket for a piece of paper that has your jokes on it that you will no doubt call "your cheat sheet" (as you heard the comic earlier working on a new set call it). The next three minutes goes by without a laugh, even your friends fake laughter has died down (apparently you are no Dorito commercial), a man in the back is waving a light at you to finish up.

Now... the PRESSURE IS ON! You will develop heavy cases of pit stains and swamp ass. The cheap mic cord will cut in and out. A guy will heckle you and your go to come back line of, "your mom does!" will be met with crickets. Literally, cricket sound effects will be piped in for all to hear. One more shot, your final joke - and you freeze. Just a complete brain fart 1/3 of the way through the set up. You stare into a sea of darkness as you realize your comedy hopes and dreams have perished. And the second you remember that the punch line is "...that's when the monkey said IT has AIDS!" the emcee will rush on stage cutting you off and asking the crowd to give you a hand for trying then proceed to bash you and your horribleness for the next twenty minutes garnering the first real laugh since you arrived on stage.

That... is the dramatic version of what I, as well as probably many, first timers thought would happen. In fairness, the lights are hot so you probably will get pit stains (and maybe swamp ass depending on your heat to ass sweat ratio), you will probably forget a joke or two, you will undoubtedly open with "how is everyone doing?" and the emcee will probably make fun of you.

Here is the reality of what will happen:

- You will spend a week writing down jokes for a five minute set trying to make it perfect

- You will be nervous and will have too many drinks before going on stage

- You will have little to no structure because of nerves

- Once you get on stage you realize it isn't that bad and the worst part is sitting and waiting

- You will forget a joke or two and probably read a couple off a piece of paper

- You will either get no laughs, a few laughs, or a bunch of laughs

That's it. It's that simple. So to all possible first timers if anyone tells you anything differently they are just trying to freak you out. It's something to look forward to, not be scared of. But, ...one last thing, and much like not feeding the Gremlins after midnight, this is pretty much the most important thing to remember. Whether you get no laughs, a few laughs, or a bunch of laughs - at any open mic, ten minutes after you get off stage - no one will remember you or a thing you said. Welcome to Stand Up.

Intro

It's 2012 and I am reverting back to a blog. These use to be popular didn't they? I was going to call it sad, but compared to Twitter - blogs are an okay thing. Compared to Twitter a bus full of kittens capsizing off a bridge is an okay thing. (Just to make sure we are clear, normally a bus full of cute animals tipping into water is a bad thing - but compared to Twitter and my constant growing dislike fo... you guys are smart enough to understand what I was doing - no explanation needed.)

My name is Jesse, I am a want-to-be (not confused with a "wannabe") stand up comic, host, entertainer, and all around attention whore. I like hearing weird, fun, and even slightly interesting stories about stand up comedy adventures. So, I have decided to make a blog about all the in's and out's of being a slightly new (3 years in) comic on the road and all the interesting people, strange environments, humorous conversations, heartbreak, let down, disappointment, suicidal thoughts after bombing, and all around hating stand up comedy by the end of it that most comics go through.

When I listen to podcasts, or interviews with comics, they always have that long (albeit sometimes fascinating) "get to know you" portion about their early life which is them trying to explain their transformation into how their comedy came about. That is fine when you are famous - I'm not. So, none of that - this will be strictly stand up based with fun stories mostly about hecklers, poorly behaved open mic'ers, and again, heartbreak.