Bad Open Mic Chronicles #2: Virgin Territory

Someone signing up for the first time at an open mic gives me mixed feelings. New faces who bring their friends and want to give stand up a try is honestly what keeps weekly Open Mic shows alive. By all means, the regulars and guys/gals who care about doing this are the padding on a show, but without new bringers local comics would run out of new people to perform in front of pretty quick.

The problem I have noticed with most first time stage dwellers, is how quickly they switch to only wanting to do "shock" humor to stick out. It doesn't bug me as a comic. I love dirty stuff and am usually on board with most people who do it correctly. Although, as for someone who runs a good comedy room and actually does that crazy thing where he wants people to come back consistently (I know... crazy thought for an open mic) it makes me a little fidgety. 

So, here is some opinions for people who have never been on stage first to give a look through. I say "opinion" and not "advice" because I'm not ego driven enough to think what I say is correct. (In most walks of life) Good chance... I'm wrong. If you speak to any woman I have ever dated, they will confirm the consistency of me being incorrect in most matters. If I knew better I would be further a long. But, think of this more as things to avoid to not piss off someone running a room you want stage time at: 

1. Show Up On Time - Before even getting on stage it's easy to make a room runner be snarky when saying your name. In fact, for your first time... show up earlier than what was told. It shows a gung ho and excited attitude. Sometimes that is all it takes to get more stage time. Plus, being late is just a dick move (or bitch move... don't worry ladies... I'm including you as well). I generally think if you are new and late to a show, you are going to be late getting off the stage as well. Which leads to:

2. Go Under Your Time - Time flies on stage. It's like having sex (what am I saying?... I am talking to people interested in doing comedy... it's like masturbating) - time is going to go by way quicker than what you think it will. Plan to go under your time. At least a minute under. For a couple of reasons. If you are just dipping your toe in the water to see if it is warm, don't do so by getting a running start and doing a cannon ball. Literally dip your big toe in the water and get a temperature. Or push someone else in and see what their reaction is. If they shiver for hours after, then you might want to prepare and put a couple extra shorts on before jumping in yourself. Going over your time, no matter how many shorts you wear, isn't going to do you any favors. 

3. Don't go filthy - I get it. People see Doug Stanhope, Jim Norton, Jim Jefferies, ect and think: those guys are really funny (they are) and the crowd is going ape shit - that's my style and that's what I'm going to do. There is a reason they can get away being offensive, they are funnier than you and their crowd paid to see them. No one at an open mic, outside of your friends, paid to see YOU. Your job is to be funny, not offensive and try to walk a room. All most people see is a dirty famous comics DVD's or CD releases - go watch Doug Stanhope in front of a crowd that doesn't know who he is and aren't that into dirty stuff. He's talked about it, many times, it doesn't go well. And he is one of the best comics in the world. How do you think you are going to fair? That doesn't mean go Disney with it, but saying "fuck" every other word for five minutes, or seeing if you can top the other degenerates and scumbags on the show (you can't, long time comics have you beat in experience in those fields) isn't cool and it shows lack of ability. 

4. Don't be racist/sexist/gay bashing - Yes, all those jokes in the right context are great. Those subjects are open to be hit and made fun of (just like any subject) - telling a joke about why you don't like black guys that is way more hateful than funny is not cool. If that's what you do with your friends when no one is around, then do your thing. We all tell edgy and sometimes mean jokes around our friends for laughs. There is a difference, our friends know we are joking... a crowd might not. If I get women, gay, or non-white people offended I generally don't care... unless they have a legit reason because some ass went on stage and wasn't funny with it and instead came across hateful and mean to a paying crowd. Do those jokes when you are able to dig out of a hole if they miss. On your first time... you won't be able to. 

5. Don't insult the crowd - This is my biggest pet peeve. Not a heckler who is a dick, then it's straight up "sick'em". But if the crowd doesn't think you are funny and your response is to get defensive and call them stupid, or attack them as a person and their appearance personality (going off of nothing but your two second view of them) I personally won't let someone on stage again after that. It's juvenile and a bad thought process. Some people, most probably, aren't going to find you all that funny. Especially at first. I've been doing this for a while and I don't even find myself funny. So I don't get mad at people who agree with me. I want people to come back to my room (I know... again... crazy thought) and to have someone who has no regimen of doing this insulting the crowd that I put hours into promoting to, glad handing, thanking, and all around being appreciative that they would take time out of their night to come see a show to have you insult them does two things. One, it makes you lose. If you get defensive and not being funny, you lost, they won. Also, you could attack a comics friends. A comic who has been around a lot longer than you and is a valuable part of the show. If it comes down to "he said, she said" - guess who is winning that battle? If things don't go well (and they won't many, many, many times) just suck it up and try again. 

6. Blow the Guy Running The Show - I don't mean blow smoke up his ass and pat him on the back. I mean literally get on your knees and blow him. It will result in more stage time if you are good, or permanent banishment if you use teeth and are terrible. And if he put a lot of work into the show... cup the balls. Just as an added thanks. (Just kidding, just make sure to say hi and bye and remind him of your name. No thanks are needed. A lot of people sign up and a handshake, a good bye, and a mention of your name can make the person remember your name if you sign up again via email or if it's a few weeks until they see you again.)

There. Now write some dick jokes, drink excessive amounts of liquor, tell your friends, and become the next Richard Pryor. It really is that simple.