The Villains of Comedy

Not all villains are printed in comic books. There are real life ones that we have to deal with daily. In school, it was the bully. At your job, maybe it's your boss. At the ice cream parlor it's that hoity toity new guy who won't give you a second scoop for free. But in stand up comedy, the villain is the heckler.

Some of these "bad guys" of a comedy show are simply henchmen. Low level followers who cause no real damage and are pretty easily disposed of if they don't come in large groups. Then... there are the mastermind criminals. The ones who the plot is about to center around. Even when you think they are as good as dead... they somehow come back for another hurrah.

In no particular order, these are some of the arch nemesis of our laugh-fighting super hero's, the comic:

1. The Hot Girl
Her powers include:

Fire Shooter: She will text so much during your set that her thumbs become better fire starters than two sticks and a magnifying glass. 

Mentally Scrambles Your Decision Making: She will interrupt your set at least half a dozen times with social commentary, usually beginning with her catchphrase, "oh my God." But, because everything "The Hot Girl" says is so simplistic, so obvious, so downright borderline autistic - you hold off on making fun of her because you are convinced she is actually mentally handicapped.

Has Bulletproof Armor: Even when you decide to make fun of her, "The Hot Girl's" brain is covered in bulletproof armor made by that anti-ACME company known as "Self Delusion." She is so conceited, so egotistical, so in love with her own self and the prospects of one day getting her own reality show on E! right after she blows the right executive like her hero Chelsea Handler did, that even a barrage of top shelf bazooka jokes fired at her in rapid succession can fall like empty shells to the ground as she continues to behave the same way. Because all men have ever, or will ever want her for is sex... no male has ever told her to shut up. Women have, probably many times, but alas, "The Hot Girl" was given extra armor by her minions of desperate men who told her the only reason a woman would say that is because they are jealous of her for being so "smart, creative, and outgoing." (None of which... are remotely true.)

#2: The Hipster
His powers include:

Stonewall Technique: This villain is unhappy and brooding, and feels the need to let you (and the world who has shunned him) know it. He will sit up front so you can get a bird's eye view of him turning his back to you and remaining that way for the rest of your set in an attempt to distract and embarrass you. Other times they will sit with their arms folded, as is customary in hipster culture, and is sign language for, "No matter what you say, I'm going to try not to laugh... because that's what's expected of me... at a comedy show." He wants to let you know he is not interested in you... because you represent effort, will to succeed, and attempt at creativity. Something "The Hipster" is strongly against.

Ability to Teleport: After several corrections, "The Hipster" has the power to seamlessly move from one place to another. Actually, he can only teleport one place, which is outside, as this villain will do roughly every ten to fifteen minutes mostly because he needs to smoke cigarettes, order another nine dollar overrated stout beer, and discuss with his followers how you prefer the comedy of some guy you saw once ten years ago that no one has, or never will, hear of.

Enlarged brain: Make no mistake.. this villain has a tendency to be sharp. His two week old beard, tattoos of birds that represent something no one cares about, and discount clothing from Goodwill may make him look like an un-intelligent hobo (as opposed to many of the smart hobos you are accustom to), but has the ability to have a comeback witty enough to get the crowd on his side. It's a sneak attack, and you must be ready for it.

3. The Young Drunk Guy
His powers include:

Chameleon Ability: Although you can hear his interruptions, "Young Drunk Guy" is normally surrounded by a group of other guys who painfully look exactly like him. So much so, that even if you locate him within the group, your second glance over becomes confusing as you can't tell which wool nit cap, faded jean, and sexually charged T-shirt that was purchased at Spencer's Gifts wearing man started the initial heckle.

Has No Limits: Once any sort of his man-hood has been questioned, the fuse has been set, and the fight will not end until your set is over, or he is drug out. Any mention of him being inadequate, in anyway, will turn him into a verbal version of The Hulk. He even turns green, but that's not until later when he drunkenly pukes on his shirt. The "Young Drunk Guy" has already had a comic book like battle with the sometimes hero, sometimes villain, simply known the world over as "Reality." In their initial fight, "Reality" took a shrink ray to this villain's genital region, and since that day he has felt inadequate with every form of life and only feels at maximum power when he is the center of attention, even if that attention is bad. He seeks revenge on anyone and everyone who dare alter people's eyes away from him.

4. The Middle Aged Soccer Mom
Her powers include:

Black Out The Sun: The spotlight is not yours... she is taking it one way or another. This villain is known to hunt in packs sometimes known as, *gulp* Bachelorette Parties. Although attending what they clearly are away is a live show, the "Middle Aged Soccer Mom" will be convinced that the real reason people showed up is because her friend Annie is getting married to a man who obviously settled.

Can Talk Out Of Both Sides of Her Mouth: Not just in consistency and volume, but in her reasoning as well making her kind impossible to understand, thus cloaking her lack of sense. She will drink out of a little penis straw, while wearing penis necklaces, and mount a giant blow up plastic penis and ride it with the vigor of a cowboy bank robber making his getaway - yet the second you say anything dirty... she is so offended she can't even finish eating the testicle portion of the penis shaped cake.

She's A Politician: She will be offended by everything you say. She can find something wrong about a joke that involves puppies and rainbows... and will let you know about it. The second you offend her delicate sensibilities, which will probably happen the second you say, "hi" on stage, she will make it a point to provide a smear campaign about your take on the issues. She will have low poll ratings with her fellow constituents , will be far over matched yet unwilling to drop out of the race, and will say something incriminating that makes her lose face to anyone who once was on her side. Yet, as a true politician, "The Uptight Soccer Mom" will complain to the right people (the club owner) and convince them to not only repay her the money she paid to get in... but agree to comp her free entry into the next debate.

Superman, Batman, and Spiderman had it easy... they never had villains as horrible as this.

Bad Open Mic Chronicles: #1 The Inside Joke

Far and away the biggest reason for a fun show is the people on stage. If they can connect with the crowd and make them laugh consistently, week in and week out, that is the best drawing point you can have. Good performers will make good crowds. The performers deserve the lion's share of the credit when an open mic (or any comedy related show) does well.

BUT! Just like in any good Jennifer Aniston movie, there is always a but(t), atmosphere, lay out, and small details to a show can end up being the breaking point. And those things simply come down to the person/people running the show.

This is part one of many on things that I fail to understand yet have noticed (and have had other comics who attend many open mics second the opinion) that to me drag a show in a bad direction.

1: The Inside Joke:

Ever been standing around at a party where you only know a few people and throughout the night you hear others laughing at weird references as you stand their with a more blank face than The Blank from Dick Tracy? (I'm really starting to reach with these references.) Someone says, "Balls taste like bananas" and everyone cackles as you sit there and question if that has a separate meaning or was this person recently intimate with a much-to-do monkey. It's uncomfortable and when they inform you, "oh... I guess you jus had to be there" you tend to hate that monkey lover for the better part of the night.

An inside joke, on stage, that can be weaved in without the crowd catching wind you did it, is a fun thing comics do when repeating material to entertain each other, I get that, and support it. But when you do it on stage and it comes across like, "I'm only up here to entertain these three guys who came to sit up front for my set and will then return to the bar to make noises the second I'm done" - it makes people feel like like an outsider at a party.

If there is fifteen people at the show, and they all know each other, THEN let'er rip. It's not an inside joke if everyone gets it... it's just a joke. But, if there is even a couple of people there who won't understand it, don't make them feel unwelcome.

Instances I Have Seen

I have seen comics, who go on stage regularly, make references to another local performers material... when that performer isn't even on the show that night. I feel that needs repeated with pauses for dramatic effect. They make reference to... a guy no one in the crowd has probably seen... or if they have probably don't remember the jokes he did two or more weeks ago... and make reference to it in a "roasting" like fashion... when that performer is not even in the building.

On a slightly smaller scale, when someone makes a joke about a comic that is on the show... but hasn't performed yet. The regulars will get it, because they are familiar with the names and are probably acquaintances, if not friends, with most of the performers. To everyone else you might as well have been talking about the imaginary friend you had when you were eight (or still have... not judging). It's like making fun of a town someone is going to for the first time next week. Once they visit there, they might understand, but if they haven't been inside the city limits they aren't going to know what the town smells like.

How To Stop The Problem

People do Open Mic's to have fun. That's what they are for, it's a small thing and not everyone who goes on stage does, or should, take it seriously. You can't control what people say on stage before you know what they are going to say. From my basic understanding of physics as well as my growing and somewhat disappointing understanding in the lack of time travel, seeing into the future isn't possible. But after a few times to the plate, if the batter constantly swings at pitches low and away, pretty good chance they are going to swing away. Everyone, at some point, has made an inside joke on stage, it's natural when nervous to talk about what you know. I have found a simple, polite explanation generally solves this problem. Once you explain, that eventually if they continue to go on stage, they're friends won't be around to get those jokes... it does make someone want to broaden their jokes - because there is a universal truth in comedy, and that's when you start out, bombing is scary.

If that doesn't work... be blunt and just say, "Hey Doug... shut up... no one cares about your buddy Skeeter! (That was a reference to an old cartoon... which is a good pull if you use to watch it... but if you didn't... well... then you just wouldn't understand.)

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**Disclaimer** This is NOT in any way meant to be taken as advice or fact. This is simply observations I have noticed and strictly opinion. I am in no position to tell any one, at any time, and in any field, what is correct and what isn't.

This Isn't Going To Work Out...

Performing to no laughs is a painful experience. The first few times it happens it feels like the ultimate form of rejection. After a string of them you are convinced there is some thing innately wrong with what you are doing. After a few good sets, it happens again, and you slowly dissect every small thing you did wrong. But you thinking rationally and convince yourself it went fine, and you will go and do it again next week.

Not too long ago, after performing to a large crowd where I literally heard a pen drop (the waitress was new at writing down orders) - I got off stage and felt indifferent. Not because the Army was likely to offer me a good sum of money for the huge tank I just received, but because I realized I simply wasn't that crowds cup of coffee. (I know... it's tea... but there is flavored coffee now... so it's accurate.)

I have begun likening performing to dating. You can be a fun person who has had successful first dates in the past, and be going on a date with someone who seems fun and upbeat. Then throughout the date... you have nothing in common. You use little tricks, go to certain places, and say certain things that have worked before... but this particular person isn't buying what you are selling. They like chocolate, you like vanilla. You're a homebody, they like going out. You like to drink, they have a one year chip on their key ring from AA. Simply... it isn't going to work out.

Now, could you make it work? Maybe... at least a little. But at some point you are both giving in a little to what you enjoy simply to make something work that has no legs, it becomes fake, forced, and desperate. At a certain point... both parties know it, too.

But also... a "date" can be going really well early on and then you say something mean, insensitive, or crude that just sets them down the unbeaten path... there was a fork in the road and you went into the Uncharted Forrest of Offensiveness. You had no way of knowing they would act so irrationally towards something, but the damage was done, and there is a good chance your date is going to hit the bathroom never to return againl... at least until you are gone and some one else is in your place.

You could take your date to the best horror movie in the world, and if they not only dislike horror movies, but are currently in the mood to watch a drama... it doesn't matter how good the horror movie is made, or how many other people have liked it before, they aren't going to get into it.

So the next time I am going to handle a bomb on stage the same way I would handle a bad date... by being completely rational and convince my friends it went fine... and that I'm going to see that person again next week.

Gimme That!

It's impossible to write a proper stand up comedy blog (because as we all know... standards for these things are mighty high) without touching on comedy theft. I have ran a decently successful open mic night for the past two years and in that time have ran across countless people (well... not countless, probably about 150-170 if you want to get mathematically technical... nerds) who went on stage. I can only remember a small handful of them trying to rip off others material.

I'll share some stories in a different update about people who help themselves to a two ears and a mouth discount (the cousin of the five finger discount), but let me throw out something that isn't much mentioned with joke thieves:

Some aren't to blame.

No one really says that - and don't get me wrong, what they are doing is a bad thing, but I honestly believe some of the people who sign up simply don't know any better. I'm not defending their actions, only their complete ignorance. They don't know enough about etiquette in the stand up world. In fact, there is a good chance the only time they have seen stand up comedy was either over fifteen years ago during the 90's boom, or three to five minutes at a time while flipping through channels when "Celebrity Rehab" was on commercial.

If no one tells them, "hey... this is why this is wrong" - they simply won't understand... and in my experience, even if you do tell them, they still don't understand. THAT is when they become laugh burglars.

Here is the rationale of ones who don't understand: "I watch bands cover songs, why can't I cover comedy?"

Which, in fairness, isn't the dumbest reason someone could have. Songs are creative expression, written and worked on by artists (...and hair metal bands) - so how does that pass off as vastly different than stand up comedy? Well... it doesn't. If you break it down, doing a cover of someone's song without their direct permission is a form of plagiarism, but different for two main reasons.

1. Doing cover songs has become pretty nationally accepted. I have to imagine the first few times someone did a show dressed as Elvis, covering all of Elvis's songs... some where, someone with a gold plated Elvis album hanging on their wall had to say, "this is bullshit." Songs are on the radio all day, in movies and TV, on youtube most of the time with the bands consent - it's basically public domain. Which leads to:

2. Everyone knows who the song belongs to. A local band isn't going to fire up "Crazy Train" by Ozzy and trick anyone into thinking they wrote it in the wee hours the night before. In fact, if they tried out the "B-side" of let's say a Drowning Pool album, most people might not instantly know it, but will still say, "Which band does this song?" At no point while hearing that is someone going to nudge a guy at the bar stool next to him and say, "give your cousin a call... this is that new sound he has been looking for." (Yes, that was me making a dig on Marty McFly being a complete asshole for ripping off Chuck Berry before ol 'Chuck ever performed Johnny B Goode. Time travel does not make plagiarism okay, butt head.)

Stand up bits, even some that are somewhat well known, are not going to be known by an average comedy club goer. Sure, if someone dove into Richard Pryor material or went into a Chris Rock impression... everyone is going to know. But if someone changed a word or two around then did two straight minutes of let's say an early Patton Oswalt bit... it's going to go completely unnoticed by the majority.

Here is the simplistic break down: One student hands the book, "The Cat in the Hat" to a teacher and says, "I couldn't come up with anything... but this is by Dr. Suess... let me read it to you." The second student hands in a re-written, sloppy, make shift pile of construction paper of the same book to the teacher and says, "this is The Dog in the Cap... I wrote it."

That's the person who can't claim ignorance... and good chance if you know someone like that who made you laugh while they were on stage... they can't claim their material either.

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*Disclaimer* This is not advice, a how-to manual, or in any way presented as fact. No one at my level (or to me.. at any level) should give "advice" about how to do stand up. This is simply opinions and things I have noticed along the way of performing stand up comedy.

Silent Killers

Even if you've never been to a live stand up comedy show before, if you were asked what the biggest problems might be that would make the show less enjoyable, you would give the obvious answers.

Most people would answer, "unfunny comics." Bad jokes with poor delivery is going to make for a long night. Other quick answers would be a noisy crowd, hecklers, bad sound system, or just simply a bad environment for a comedy show. All of which are true, but sometimes you watch a stand up show and you can't pinpoint what it is that just made the night less enjoyable than times before. You thought the comics did a good job, the sound system was fine, but for some reason... something was amiss. And chances are that the show was attacked by a "Silent Killer".

The following are the biggest I notice on a show by show basis. (Note: these are more for open mic, show case, or small comedy club shows - if you pay to see a headline comic it's going to be harder to take away from the performance.)

1. A bad host/emcee: While I don't think a host can make or break a show, I do firmly believe they can make a good show great and a good show bad. This is the first person you see on stage the night of a show, and they are going to be the last person you see. They are are basically the person given the job of Goodwill Ambassador of your show. An emcee needs some kind of energy, some kind of presence.. a way to draw people in and set the tone of the night. I have never understood the mentality of, "here is our emcee for the night: Low Key McGee!" And ol' Low Key proceeds to have the slowest, most mundane intro you could ask for. It's not their fault usually, they are a slower, low energy comic. Which is fine...except when you are opening a show. If the person on stage isn't acting like they are excited to see the comics... why the hell should a crowd be?

If you go to a baseball game and the announcer who is reading the starting line up for the home team is doing it in a way that would make Droopy Dog say, "Jesus!... this guy needs some pep in his step" - then you are off to a really bad start.

Also, for all emcee's out there... learn the names of the people coming on stage. If someone's name is from Polish decent and has more successive consonants than the alphabet itself, you should screw their name up. Serves them right for not having a stage name. But if you foul up bringing "Ben Smith" to the stage because you would rather say, "Ben... oh, something or other" - you have tarnished them from the get go. Again, why should a crowd of people care about some dude about to whip out five minutes 0f genital jokes when the person introducing them didn't care enough to say their whole name. Dick

jokes... simply deserve better than that.

2. Lights are too bright on the crowd - This can work to a comic's advantage on some occasions, and being able to see more than just the front two rows can be great for crowd play. But when the lights on the crowd are as bright, if not brighter than they are on the comic, the focus is taken off "the performer." It gives the show a more "some guy here at the

family picnic is going to tell some jokes." See the face ol Gizmo is making? That's pretty much the same look I make when I see the light on the crowd is just as bright. It's also the same face I made when the popular kids pulled my gym shorts down in front of the girls in 7th grade. Didn't pull them up, didn't waddle away, I just made that exact face and stood their uncomfortably for a very long time. Which is pretty much the same thing I do when the stage lights are less bright than the crowd lights.

3. No stage - There is something about standing in the corner of a bar without a single step up that is a bit of a confidence blow to a performer. That one tiny step up somehow signifies that we are the person in the room who is in charge.

We have the gold medal platform and the audience is standing on the silver platform. This sounds narcissistic, ego-maniacal, and a condition that might need a therapist to delve into, and it is to a degree, but if we as performers aren't put into a position where immediately through body language and being put on a pedestal (in this case, a stage) - it takes away some of the essence of "this is the person we are here to see." It's why a movie is more fun to watch in a theater on the big screen than it is to sit on the couch and watch a movie at home, it's elevated, bigger, and most importantly in complete control of your attention. And comics by nature are a fascinating breed of being completely anti-social yet attention whores at the same time. It's a personality defect so unexplained that even Dr. Drew won't start a show about it.

4. TV's left on - Even with the sound turned off, leaving the TV's on at any show is a huge distraction. It only takes one guy excited to see the Bulls blow out the Pacers with an occasional "Gooo Yogi Yahoooie's!" (that's what I say when celebrate a sporting win... I dunno what the rest of you say) - to pretty much see that the place holding this show doesn't really care about it that much if they are leaving TV's on for a few people in the back.

Sometimes these things can be worked around, but many times they drag down an otherwise good show with good comics. These Silent Killers deserve to be pointed out, ridiculed, and put to an end. We need your full attention, not for our sake, and not even for the shows sake... but for the sake of all the dick jokes we will tell. Like I said before... they really deserve better than to be killed silently.

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*Disclaimer* This is not advice, a how-to manual, or in any way presented as fact. No one at my level (or to me.. at any level) should give "advice" about how to do stand up. This is simply opinions and things I have noticed along the way of performing stand up comedy.

January Schedule

Dated to be changed/added as we go:

Jan 11 - Champaign, IL

Memphis on Main - 9pm

Jan 12 - Peoria, IL

Jukebox Comedy Club - 8pm

Jan 14 - Urbana, IL

The Canopy Club

(Opening for Todd Barry) - 7pm

Jan 18 - Champaign, IL

Memphis on Main - 9pm

Jan 19 - Champaign, IL

The Clark Bar - 8pm

Jan 25 - Grand Rapids, MI

Dr. Grin's Comedy Club

Funniest Person in Grand Rapids Competition

Jan 26 - Chicago, IL

Sully's

Jan 31 - Oswego, IL

Comedy Under the Tap

First Time Chest Puff

"I don't want to be someone who enjoys other people's failures, I want to be someone who enjoys my accomplishments."

I have ran an open mic for two years. In doing so, I have dealt first hand in more first time performers than I can count. I have however not had very many "one and done" people. There are four different type of first time performers that I am aware of.

1. Once in a blue moon (is there ever really a blue moon? Isn't that like saying never?), okay, so, once in an eclipse of the moon (much better) there will be someone who really does want to stick with stand up for the long haul and wants every open spot they can get after time number one is down.

2. On occasion, I get a first time performer who get an itch for stand up and while they won't travel very far out of their fifty mile radius more than once every three months to pursue stand up, they do care about their act, work at it, do new material, and become open mic and show case show regulars

3. A fairly common one is someone who "saw it on TV and just wants to give it a shot." They admit they have jobs, school, possible career, kids, half a brain to know better than to try and be a full time comedian, ect and simply want to see what it's like hoping on stage one time, or maybe once every two-three months to have some fun.

4. The one that is most seen is the guy (and sometimes girl, but usually it's a guy in his early 20's) who is just giving it a try, will bring a solid portion of his friends, get a ton of laughs mostly out of those same friends... and not much of the rest of the crowd generally because he tells inside jokes, then not only wants to sign up every week, but will stick his chest out and boast how funny he is - and claim this is now his new passion.

And these... are my favorites. His friends will surround him outside for a post show cigarette and loudly declare he was better than everyone else on stage. Although biology and human anatomy class taught other wise, you can actually see his head swelling larger and larger. He will slowly start

boasting how he came up with each joke, and - this is completely inevitable - he will at some point say, "yeah... I killed it." The next day he will post a cell phone camera video of 1/4 of his set online repeating that sentiment and talk about how he is "hooked" on stand up.

Once that is out there, you can bet you will see them a max of four to six times. If Vegas would lay odds on this sort of thing instead of football... well... Vegas would have been bulldozed for lack of interest and profits years ago... but... I would be a rich man. Because I would bet five or under.

You see, the reason they will be deflated like a balloon a day after the party is over, is because their friends aren't always going to show up. They will the first few times, just enough to convince their self they really are that good - then... they bomb. And bomb bad. Everyone bombs, usually a lot, especially at first, but these guys were convinced they were the funniest guy who's ever lived. MMA has nothing on reality, because reality is much more fun to watch when kicking a guys ass than an overly tattoo'd guy in shorts will ever be.

Best example of this:

Had a younger guy sign up over the phone and show up with about 15-20 friends the night of the show. Great, love new people in. From the second he walked into the door you would have thought he was a VP at Comedy Central. Just cocky, couldn't tell him anything, didn't want to be drug away from his friends pounding shots at the bar to even know when he was going on stage. He goes up, of course his friends howled at every joke (all of which were so dirty a long shore sailor with a molestation record would have left out of good taste) then proceeded to not only ask to sign up the following week, but said, "...oh, and how do I get more time." For people who don't know... this is a huge no-no when anyone barely knows your name. We gave him five minutes that night, he ended up doing nine. Now, I should have just not let him sign up, simply because he is a douche. But, we were struggling at that time to get people into the open mic, he was bringing people... and I wanted to see him bomb. Jesus save me - but I wanted to see this guy's spirit crushed.

He did the same the next three times in. He chilled out slightly on the over the top tool-like behavior, and went last every time since his friends would just leave if not, but always got laughs. Not just with his crowd either anymore, honest laughs from a good portion of the crowd. I wanted to believe it was just his friends, but it wasn't anymore. For someone like me who as always disliked guys like this, and was struggling at the time from set to set to get anything out of a crowd, it was hard watching him do so well. At that point, I just accepted that some guys are likable even if I hate them - and I gave up on him bombing. What? You thought this was going to have a happy ending?

Well, it does... because with all hope lost... enter the Asian masseuse. It came in the form of him asking to be on our Showcase show we did once a month, which was an earlier evening on a different night that at the time was generally known as a rough crowd when you did dirty stuff. Then, (I'm still giggly as a write this a year and a half later) he said, "yeah, I can do all the time you want - I can't bring any friends though, they are all leaving to go on break." And, as a smile crept on my face like I was the Grinch about to steal Christmas, in a voice that had to sound like a cartoon villian (I might as well have been twirling the tip of a mustache) simply said, "ohhhhhhhh... ten minutes ought to do it."

It took four. After four minutes of his first non-reaction set, he closed quickly, got off stage, and slunk into a corner. After the show the only thing he said was, "well... I guess everyone has to bomb some time right?" And those were the last words I ever heard him say, on stage or off.

He isn't the first, he isn't the last. So, again, I don't want to be someone who enjoys in other peoples failures. I want to enjoy my accomplishments. So that's what I'm doing with this, I'm enjoying the accomplishment of never being that way, enjoying trying to be humble when a set goes really well, enjoying knowing that bombing isn't the end of the worl... you know what, screw it - HA HA, serves you right you cocky prick!

Enjoying peoples failures is just easier...

Welcome to Stand Up

Let's talk about your first time on stage!

Ah yes, you watch a comic on TV or youtube and say, "pshh, they aren't funny..." then your buddy pipes up by saying, "yeah... YOU are funnier than they are!" - which leads you to believing that your friend who is five Coors Lights deep and cackles like a banshee hyena hybrid every time a new Dorito commercial plays during the break is indeed a czar of comedy, and you are in fact more funny than the person on TV. After weeks of talking yourself up and writing down jokes that were knee slappers and side splitters at dollar beer night down at the pub you find out about a local open mic and walk in asking to sign up. THEN, you go on stage. Well, actually THEN you find out some open mics have a cap and you have to sign up in advance, so you sign up for next week... THEN, you go on stage.

Of course, there are people who have always loved stand up, might not find themselves to be the "funniest" person, but want to give it a try to break out of social awkwardness and put their self into a situation that allows a creative outlet for subjects and thoughts they might not otherwise feel comfortable telling someone in a one on one situation. I guess there are a few of those people too.

Going on stage for the first time is nerve racking. It still can be no matter how long you do it. 5 people? 50 people? Doesn't matter - you are about to step on stage and be judged. And here is exactly how your first time will go: You will get on stage trying to show confidence while your mentally going back and forth between thinking about the wording of your jokes and tripping and falling for the first time since you were eleven. When you get on stage you will say, "so... how is everyone doing tonight?" as pretty much every first timer has in the history of stand up. Right away, the entire crowd knows you are nervous. You will try and say something funny and relevant to your situation which will be met with a timid laugh from your friends. Your first joke will be met with silence. At this point the stage lights will start to heat up. You will dig into your pocket for a piece of paper that has your jokes on it that you will no doubt call "your cheat sheet" (as you heard the comic earlier working on a new set call it). The next three minutes goes by without a laugh, even your friends fake laughter has died down (apparently you are no Dorito commercial), a man in the back is waving a light at you to finish up.

Now... the PRESSURE IS ON! You will develop heavy cases of pit stains and swamp ass. The cheap mic cord will cut in and out. A guy will heckle you and your go to come back line of, "your mom does!" will be met with crickets. Literally, cricket sound effects will be piped in for all to hear. One more shot, your final joke - and you freeze. Just a complete brain fart 1/3 of the way through the set up. You stare into a sea of darkness as you realize your comedy hopes and dreams have perished. And the second you remember that the punch line is "...that's when the monkey said IT has AIDS!" the emcee will rush on stage cutting you off and asking the crowd to give you a hand for trying then proceed to bash you and your horribleness for the next twenty minutes garnering the first real laugh since you arrived on stage.

That... is the dramatic version of what I, as well as probably many, first timers thought would happen. In fairness, the lights are hot so you probably will get pit stains (and maybe swamp ass depending on your heat to ass sweat ratio), you will probably forget a joke or two, you will undoubtedly open with "how is everyone doing?" and the emcee will probably make fun of you.

Here is the reality of what will happen:

- You will spend a week writing down jokes for a five minute set trying to make it perfect

- You will be nervous and will have too many drinks before going on stage

- You will have little to no structure because of nerves

- Once you get on stage you realize it isn't that bad and the worst part is sitting and waiting

- You will forget a joke or two and probably read a couple off a piece of paper

- You will either get no laughs, a few laughs, or a bunch of laughs

That's it. It's that simple. So to all possible first timers if anyone tells you anything differently they are just trying to freak you out. It's something to look forward to, not be scared of. But, ...one last thing, and much like not feeding the Gremlins after midnight, this is pretty much the most important thing to remember. Whether you get no laughs, a few laughs, or a bunch of laughs - at any open mic, ten minutes after you get off stage - no one will remember you or a thing you said. Welcome to Stand Up.

Intro

It's 2012 and I am reverting back to a blog. These use to be popular didn't they? I was going to call it sad, but compared to Twitter - blogs are an okay thing. Compared to Twitter a bus full of kittens capsizing off a bridge is an okay thing. (Just to make sure we are clear, normally a bus full of cute animals tipping into water is a bad thing - but compared to Twitter and my constant growing dislike fo... you guys are smart enough to understand what I was doing - no explanation needed.)

My name is Jesse, I am a want-to-be (not confused with a "wannabe") stand up comic, host, entertainer, and all around attention whore. I like hearing weird, fun, and even slightly interesting stories about stand up comedy adventures. So, I have decided to make a blog about all the in's and out's of being a slightly new (3 years in) comic on the road and all the interesting people, strange environments, humorous conversations, heartbreak, let down, disappointment, suicidal thoughts after bombing, and all around hating stand up comedy by the end of it that most comics go through.

When I listen to podcasts, or interviews with comics, they always have that long (albeit sometimes fascinating) "get to know you" portion about their early life which is them trying to explain their transformation into how their comedy came about. That is fine when you are famous - I'm not. So, none of that - this will be strictly stand up based with fun stories mostly about hecklers, poorly behaved open mic'ers, and again, heartbreak.