Batter Up!

Spring season for MLB is underway! It feels like baseball just ended, which is mostly due to the fact that it did just end as the season is a painfully long affair. But! This isn't about my finger wagging and personal disagreement with the people in charge of these decisions (because no one would want to read that), this is about how the game of baseball reminds me of a stand up show (because maybe one person might want to read that).

If you are the emcee, your job is to merely get on base. As my baseball coach use to tell me in a lead off situation: "Son... a walk is as good as a hit."

Now, there's a good chance he said that because the odds of me getting a hit were slim and the chances the 12-year-old on the pitcher's mound walking me on four consecutive pitches because he thought bouncing the ball over the plate constituted as a strike was much more in my favor. Never mind that, the idea behind it holds true... you just need to get on base. Normally when you emcee, you get on base alright... but it's because you took one for the team and caught a curve ball that didn't quite curve square in the helmet. The pitcher wasn't warmed up and you were the sacrifice to get the game rolling.

Sometimes, in that same vein, it's your job to lay down a bunt.

It's always painful to get that duty, it always goes down the same way. First, the comedy club coach, who has never even laced up a pair of cleats but is convinced he could play in the pros, gives you the tap on the shoulder and says, "No one is here to see you... I know I told you to take all the time you want and swing away... but get up and lay down a bunt in under three minutes. As you walk to the plate, you think SCREW THAT! You are a solid hitter and have come prepared with a new 21 ounce aluminum bat that will knock it out of the park. You're going to hit a home run and show him you are the real star of thi...

*SWING AND A MISS*

You practically fell down and are covered in dirt from that zinger.

You take a few more punchy cuts and stare down the line... and that's when you get the international signal that you are nothing more than the guy who will be bunting and advancing the show along so the hero people came to see can clear the bases. The crowd gives the international signal: they touche a glass to their non-laughing mouth, sits on their hands, then move their eyes back and forth from the stage to their cell phone

 ...ah yes... no mistaking that... you've just been given the light to keep it quick, lay one down, then get the hell off the field.

But sometimes... once in a great while... after so many sacrifice flies that go unnoticed, after batting 1-4 with an infield single that dribbled past the pitcher to which you still high five your buddies in the club house and say "it was the hardest hit ball of the game," and after dwelling away as a utility infielder that could be an All-Star pitcher if dumb coaches every where knew that all the 100-mile an hour fast balls in the world aren't the true art that is your alternative, lost on the modern world, sloppy looking Knuckle ball... on that rare occasion... you get to bat clean up!

Because always remember... with patience, a little bit of luck, and a field to play on...

YOU CAN START YOUR OWN DAMN TEAM!

Then... when that day comes... YOU make the line up! Grab a helmet, swig some Gatorade (with copious amounts of Vodka inside), and get in the on deck circle... when you run your own shows and all your friends show up because you made it free ticket night at the old ball park, then it's your time to shine and you can proudly say... Batter Up!