The Villains of Comedy

Not all villains are printed in comic books. There are real life ones that we have to deal with daily. In school, it was the bully. At your job, maybe it's your boss. At the ice cream parlor it's that hoity toity new guy who won't give you a second scoop for free. But in stand up comedy, the villain is the heckler.

Some of these "bad guys" of a comedy show are simply henchmen. Low level followers who cause no real damage and are pretty easily disposed of if they don't come in large groups. Then... there are the mastermind criminals. The ones who the plot is about to center around. Even when you think they are as good as dead... they somehow come back for another hurrah.

In no particular order, these are some of the arch nemesis of our laugh-fighting super hero's, the comic:

1. The Hot Girl
Her powers include:

Fire Shooter: She will text so much during your set that her thumbs become better fire starters than two sticks and a magnifying glass. 

Mentally Scrambles Your Decision Making: She will interrupt your set at least half a dozen times with social commentary, usually beginning with her catchphrase, "oh my God." But, because everything "The Hot Girl" says is so simplistic, so obvious, so downright borderline autistic - you hold off on making fun of her because you are convinced she is actually mentally handicapped.

Has Bulletproof Armor: Even when you decide to make fun of her, "The Hot Girl's" brain is covered in bulletproof armor made by that anti-ACME company known as "Self Delusion." She is so conceited, so egotistical, so in love with her own self and the prospects of one day getting her own reality show on E! right after she blows the right executive like her hero Chelsea Handler did, that even a barrage of top shelf bazooka jokes fired at her in rapid succession can fall like empty shells to the ground as she continues to behave the same way. Because all men have ever, or will ever want her for is sex... no male has ever told her to shut up. Women have, probably many times, but alas, "The Hot Girl" was given extra armor by her minions of desperate men who told her the only reason a woman would say that is because they are jealous of her for being so "smart, creative, and outgoing." (None of which... are remotely true.)

#2: The Hipster
His powers include:

Stonewall Technique: This villain is unhappy and brooding, and feels the need to let you (and the world who has shunned him) know it. He will sit up front so you can get a bird's eye view of him turning his back to you and remaining that way for the rest of your set in an attempt to distract and embarrass you. Other times they will sit with their arms folded, as is customary in hipster culture, and is sign language for, "No matter what you say, I'm going to try not to laugh... because that's what's expected of me... at a comedy show." He wants to let you know he is not interested in you... because you represent effort, will to succeed, and attempt at creativity. Something "The Hipster" is strongly against.

Ability to Teleport: After several corrections, "The Hipster" has the power to seamlessly move from one place to another. Actually, he can only teleport one place, which is outside, as this villain will do roughly every ten to fifteen minutes mostly because he needs to smoke cigarettes, order another nine dollar overrated stout beer, and discuss with his followers how you prefer the comedy of some guy you saw once ten years ago that no one has, or never will, hear of.

Enlarged brain: Make no mistake.. this villain has a tendency to be sharp. His two week old beard, tattoos of birds that represent something no one cares about, and discount clothing from Goodwill may make him look like an un-intelligent hobo (as opposed to many of the smart hobos you are accustom to), but has the ability to have a comeback witty enough to get the crowd on his side. It's a sneak attack, and you must be ready for it.

3. The Young Drunk Guy
His powers include:

Chameleon Ability: Although you can hear his interruptions, "Young Drunk Guy" is normally surrounded by a group of other guys who painfully look exactly like him. So much so, that even if you locate him within the group, your second glance over becomes confusing as you can't tell which wool nit cap, faded jean, and sexually charged T-shirt that was purchased at Spencer's Gifts wearing man started the initial heckle.

Has No Limits: Once any sort of his man-hood has been questioned, the fuse has been set, and the fight will not end until your set is over, or he is drug out. Any mention of him being inadequate, in anyway, will turn him into a verbal version of The Hulk. He even turns green, but that's not until later when he drunkenly pukes on his shirt. The "Young Drunk Guy" has already had a comic book like battle with the sometimes hero, sometimes villain, simply known the world over as "Reality." In their initial fight, "Reality" took a shrink ray to this villain's genital region, and since that day he has felt inadequate with every form of life and only feels at maximum power when he is the center of attention, even if that attention is bad. He seeks revenge on anyone and everyone who dare alter people's eyes away from him.

4. The Middle Aged Soccer Mom
Her powers include:

Black Out The Sun: The spotlight is not yours... she is taking it one way or another. This villain is known to hunt in packs sometimes known as, *gulp* Bachelorette Parties. Although attending what they clearly are away is a live show, the "Middle Aged Soccer Mom" will be convinced that the real reason people showed up is because her friend Annie is getting married to a man who obviously settled.

Can Talk Out Of Both Sides of Her Mouth: Not just in consistency and volume, but in her reasoning as well making her kind impossible to understand, thus cloaking her lack of sense. She will drink out of a little penis straw, while wearing penis necklaces, and mount a giant blow up plastic penis and ride it with the vigor of a cowboy bank robber making his getaway - yet the second you say anything dirty... she is so offended she can't even finish eating the testicle portion of the penis shaped cake.

She's A Politician: She will be offended by everything you say. She can find something wrong about a joke that involves puppies and rainbows... and will let you know about it. The second you offend her delicate sensibilities, which will probably happen the second you say, "hi" on stage, she will make it a point to provide a smear campaign about your take on the issues. She will have low poll ratings with her fellow constituents , will be far over matched yet unwilling to drop out of the race, and will say something incriminating that makes her lose face to anyone who once was on her side. Yet, as a true politician, "The Uptight Soccer Mom" will complain to the right people (the club owner) and convince them to not only repay her the money she paid to get in... but agree to comp her free entry into the next debate.

Superman, Batman, and Spiderman had it easy... they never had villains as horrible as this.