Welcome to Stand Up

Let's talk about your first time on stage!

Ah yes, you watch a comic on TV or youtube and say, "pshh, they aren't funny..." then your buddy pipes up by saying, "yeah... YOU are funnier than they are!" - which leads you to believing that your friend who is five Coors Lights deep and cackles like a banshee hyena hybrid every time a new Dorito commercial plays during the break is indeed a czar of comedy, and you are in fact more funny than the person on TV. After weeks of talking yourself up and writing down jokes that were knee slappers and side splitters at dollar beer night down at the pub you find out about a local open mic and walk in asking to sign up. THEN, you go on stage. Well, actually THEN you find out some open mics have a cap and you have to sign up in advance, so you sign up for next week... THEN, you go on stage.

Of course, there are people who have always loved stand up, might not find themselves to be the "funniest" person, but want to give it a try to break out of social awkwardness and put their self into a situation that allows a creative outlet for subjects and thoughts they might not otherwise feel comfortable telling someone in a one on one situation. I guess there are a few of those people too.

Going on stage for the first time is nerve racking. It still can be no matter how long you do it. 5 people? 50 people? Doesn't matter - you are about to step on stage and be judged. And here is exactly how your first time will go: You will get on stage trying to show confidence while your mentally going back and forth between thinking about the wording of your jokes and tripping and falling for the first time since you were eleven. When you get on stage you will say, "so... how is everyone doing tonight?" as pretty much every first timer has in the history of stand up. Right away, the entire crowd knows you are nervous. You will try and say something funny and relevant to your situation which will be met with a timid laugh from your friends. Your first joke will be met with silence. At this point the stage lights will start to heat up. You will dig into your pocket for a piece of paper that has your jokes on it that you will no doubt call "your cheat sheet" (as you heard the comic earlier working on a new set call it). The next three minutes goes by without a laugh, even your friends fake laughter has died down (apparently you are no Dorito commercial), a man in the back is waving a light at you to finish up.

Now... the PRESSURE IS ON! You will develop heavy cases of pit stains and swamp ass. The cheap mic cord will cut in and out. A guy will heckle you and your go to come back line of, "your mom does!" will be met with crickets. Literally, cricket sound effects will be piped in for all to hear. One more shot, your final joke - and you freeze. Just a complete brain fart 1/3 of the way through the set up. You stare into a sea of darkness as you realize your comedy hopes and dreams have perished. And the second you remember that the punch line is "...that's when the monkey said IT has AIDS!" the emcee will rush on stage cutting you off and asking the crowd to give you a hand for trying then proceed to bash you and your horribleness for the next twenty minutes garnering the first real laugh since you arrived on stage.

That... is the dramatic version of what I, as well as probably many, first timers thought would happen. In fairness, the lights are hot so you probably will get pit stains (and maybe swamp ass depending on your heat to ass sweat ratio), you will probably forget a joke or two, you will undoubtedly open with "how is everyone doing?" and the emcee will probably make fun of you.

Here is the reality of what will happen:

- You will spend a week writing down jokes for a five minute set trying to make it perfect

- You will be nervous and will have too many drinks before going on stage

- You will have little to no structure because of nerves

- Once you get on stage you realize it isn't that bad and the worst part is sitting and waiting

- You will forget a joke or two and probably read a couple off a piece of paper

- You will either get no laughs, a few laughs, or a bunch of laughs

That's it. It's that simple. So to all possible first timers if anyone tells you anything differently they are just trying to freak you out. It's something to look forward to, not be scared of. But, ...one last thing, and much like not feeding the Gremlins after midnight, this is pretty much the most important thing to remember. Whether you get no laughs, a few laughs, or a bunch of laughs - at any open mic, ten minutes after you get off stage - no one will remember you or a thing you said. Welcome to Stand Up.