First Time Chest Puff

"I don't want to be someone who enjoys other people's failures, I want to be someone who enjoys my accomplishments."

I have ran an open mic for two years. In doing so, I have dealt first hand in more first time performers than I can count. I have however not had very many "one and done" people. There are four different type of first time performers that I am aware of.

1. Once in a blue moon (is there ever really a blue moon? Isn't that like saying never?), okay, so, once in an eclipse of the moon (much better) there will be someone who really does want to stick with stand up for the long haul and wants every open spot they can get after time number one is down.

2. On occasion, I get a first time performer who get an itch for stand up and while they won't travel very far out of their fifty mile radius more than once every three months to pursue stand up, they do care about their act, work at it, do new material, and become open mic and show case show regulars

3. A fairly common one is someone who "saw it on TV and just wants to give it a shot." They admit they have jobs, school, possible career, kids, half a brain to know better than to try and be a full time comedian, ect and simply want to see what it's like hoping on stage one time, or maybe once every two-three months to have some fun.

4. The one that is most seen is the guy (and sometimes girl, but usually it's a guy in his early 20's) who is just giving it a try, will bring a solid portion of his friends, get a ton of laughs mostly out of those same friends... and not much of the rest of the crowd generally because he tells inside jokes, then not only wants to sign up every week, but will stick his chest out and boast how funny he is - and claim this is now his new passion.

And these... are my favorites. His friends will surround him outside for a post show cigarette and loudly declare he was better than everyone else on stage. Although biology and human anatomy class taught other wise, you can actually see his head swelling larger and larger. He will slowly start

boasting how he came up with each joke, and - this is completely inevitable - he will at some point say, "yeah... I killed it." The next day he will post a cell phone camera video of 1/4 of his set online repeating that sentiment and talk about how he is "hooked" on stand up.

Once that is out there, you can bet you will see them a max of four to six times. If Vegas would lay odds on this sort of thing instead of football... well... Vegas would have been bulldozed for lack of interest and profits years ago... but... I would be a rich man. Because I would bet five or under.

You see, the reason they will be deflated like a balloon a day after the party is over, is because their friends aren't always going to show up. They will the first few times, just enough to convince their self they really are that good - then... they bomb. And bomb bad. Everyone bombs, usually a lot, especially at first, but these guys were convinced they were the funniest guy who's ever lived. MMA has nothing on reality, because reality is much more fun to watch when kicking a guys ass than an overly tattoo'd guy in shorts will ever be.

Best example of this:

Had a younger guy sign up over the phone and show up with about 15-20 friends the night of the show. Great, love new people in. From the second he walked into the door you would have thought he was a VP at Comedy Central. Just cocky, couldn't tell him anything, didn't want to be drug away from his friends pounding shots at the bar to even know when he was going on stage. He goes up, of course his friends howled at every joke (all of which were so dirty a long shore sailor with a molestation record would have left out of good taste) then proceeded to not only ask to sign up the following week, but said, "...oh, and how do I get more time." For people who don't know... this is a huge no-no when anyone barely knows your name. We gave him five minutes that night, he ended up doing nine. Now, I should have just not let him sign up, simply because he is a douche. But, we were struggling at that time to get people into the open mic, he was bringing people... and I wanted to see him bomb. Jesus save me - but I wanted to see this guy's spirit crushed.

He did the same the next three times in. He chilled out slightly on the over the top tool-like behavior, and went last every time since his friends would just leave if not, but always got laughs. Not just with his crowd either anymore, honest laughs from a good portion of the crowd. I wanted to believe it was just his friends, but it wasn't anymore. For someone like me who as always disliked guys like this, and was struggling at the time from set to set to get anything out of a crowd, it was hard watching him do so well. At that point, I just accepted that some guys are likable even if I hate them - and I gave up on him bombing. What? You thought this was going to have a happy ending?

Well, it does... because with all hope lost... enter the Asian masseuse. It came in the form of him asking to be on our Showcase show we did once a month, which was an earlier evening on a different night that at the time was generally known as a rough crowd when you did dirty stuff. Then, (I'm still giggly as a write this a year and a half later) he said, "yeah, I can do all the time you want - I can't bring any friends though, they are all leaving to go on break." And, as a smile crept on my face like I was the Grinch about to steal Christmas, in a voice that had to sound like a cartoon villian (I might as well have been twirling the tip of a mustache) simply said, "ohhhhhhhh... ten minutes ought to do it."

It took four. After four minutes of his first non-reaction set, he closed quickly, got off stage, and slunk into a corner. After the show the only thing he said was, "well... I guess everyone has to bomb some time right?" And those were the last words I ever heard him say, on stage or off.

He isn't the first, he isn't the last. So, again, I don't want to be someone who enjoys in other peoples failures. I want to enjoy my accomplishments. So that's what I'm doing with this, I'm enjoying the accomplishment of never being that way, enjoying trying to be humble when a set goes really well, enjoying knowing that bombing isn't the end of the worl... you know what, screw it - HA HA, serves you right you cocky prick!

Enjoying peoples failures is just easier...