Silent Killers

Even if you've never been to a live stand up comedy show before, if you were asked what the biggest problems might be that would make the show less enjoyable, you would give the obvious answers.

Most people would answer, "unfunny comics." Bad jokes with poor delivery is going to make for a long night. Other quick answers would be a noisy crowd, hecklers, bad sound system, or just simply a bad environment for a comedy show. All of which are true, but sometimes you watch a stand up show and you can't pinpoint what it is that just made the night less enjoyable than times before. You thought the comics did a good job, the sound system was fine, but for some reason... something was amiss. And chances are that the show was attacked by a "Silent Killer".

The following are the biggest I notice on a show by show basis. (Note: these are more for open mic, show case, or small comedy club shows - if you pay to see a headline comic it's going to be harder to take away from the performance.)

1. A bad host/emcee: While I don't think a host can make or break a show, I do firmly believe they can make a good show great and a good show bad. This is the first person you see on stage the night of a show, and they are going to be the last person you see. They are are basically the person given the job of Goodwill Ambassador of your show. An emcee needs some kind of energy, some kind of presence.. a way to draw people in and set the tone of the night. I have never understood the mentality of, "here is our emcee for the night: Low Key McGee!" And ol' Low Key proceeds to have the slowest, most mundane intro you could ask for. It's not their fault usually, they are a slower, low energy comic. Which is fine...except when you are opening a show. If the person on stage isn't acting like they are excited to see the comics... why the hell should a crowd be?

If you go to a baseball game and the announcer who is reading the starting line up for the home team is doing it in a way that would make Droopy Dog say, "Jesus!... this guy needs some pep in his step" - then you are off to a really bad start.

Also, for all emcee's out there... learn the names of the people coming on stage. If someone's name is from Polish decent and has more successive consonants than the alphabet itself, you should screw their name up. Serves them right for not having a stage name. But if you foul up bringing "Ben Smith" to the stage because you would rather say, "Ben... oh, something or other" - you have tarnished them from the get go. Again, why should a crowd of people care about some dude about to whip out five minutes 0f genital jokes when the person introducing them didn't care enough to say their whole name. Dick

jokes... simply deserve better than that.

2. Lights are too bright on the crowd - This can work to a comic's advantage on some occasions, and being able to see more than just the front two rows can be great for crowd play. But when the lights on the crowd are as bright, if not brighter than they are on the comic, the focus is taken off "the performer." It gives the show a more "some guy here at the

family picnic is going to tell some jokes." See the face ol Gizmo is making? That's pretty much the same look I make when I see the light on the crowd is just as bright. It's also the same face I made when the popular kids pulled my gym shorts down in front of the girls in 7th grade. Didn't pull them up, didn't waddle away, I just made that exact face and stood their uncomfortably for a very long time. Which is pretty much the same thing I do when the stage lights are less bright than the crowd lights.

3. No stage - There is something about standing in the corner of a bar without a single step up that is a bit of a confidence blow to a performer. That one tiny step up somehow signifies that we are the person in the room who is in charge.

We have the gold medal platform and the audience is standing on the silver platform. This sounds narcissistic, ego-maniacal, and a condition that might need a therapist to delve into, and it is to a degree, but if we as performers aren't put into a position where immediately through body language and being put on a pedestal (in this case, a stage) - it takes away some of the essence of "this is the person we are here to see." It's why a movie is more fun to watch in a theater on the big screen than it is to sit on the couch and watch a movie at home, it's elevated, bigger, and most importantly in complete control of your attention. And comics by nature are a fascinating breed of being completely anti-social yet attention whores at the same time. It's a personality defect so unexplained that even Dr. Drew won't start a show about it.

4. TV's left on - Even with the sound turned off, leaving the TV's on at any show is a huge distraction. It only takes one guy excited to see the Bulls blow out the Pacers with an occasional "Gooo Yogi Yahoooie's!" (that's what I say when celebrate a sporting win... I dunno what the rest of you say) - to pretty much see that the place holding this show doesn't really care about it that much if they are leaving TV's on for a few people in the back.

Sometimes these things can be worked around, but many times they drag down an otherwise good show with good comics. These Silent Killers deserve to be pointed out, ridiculed, and put to an end. We need your full attention, not for our sake, and not even for the shows sake... but for the sake of all the dick jokes we will tell. Like I said before... they really deserve better than to be killed silently.

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*Disclaimer* This is not advice, a how-to manual, or in any way presented as fact. No one at my level (or to me.. at any level) should give "advice" about how to do stand up. This is simply opinions and things I have noticed along the way of performing stand up comedy.